In the middle of the night I found myself searching around for paracetimol and a sick-bowl, I had a thumping headache and felt a "travel" sickness. Tried to sleep it off but couldn't really get to sleep. I must have eventually fallen asleep because when I woke up, it was worse.

Not going into College today, I don't think I can cope with it, I have no idea what's wrong with me but I dont feel atall well.

Hope everyone is feeling better than I am, take care!

Today was fun after college I took Charlotte out for a Hot Chocolate at café nero, we took our time and had some nice solid chocolate with it too. We went to the library to return some of Charlotte's anime books, and ended up getting out some naruto books too lol.

We went to the castle park and had a really nice time, i really enjoyed today

Well, my first lesson today was Computing, enjoying it alot, probably my favourite subject, feels less like work and more like time to do something interesting

Sombody threw something accross the room which hit Jed in the face, this usually wouldn't be that funny, but after a 3 second delay, he replied "what?", looked as if he was going to fall asleep!

Later in the day, I was sitting in CISCO with Kichimi making network cables, when Alistair comes in with real police handcuffs around one of his wrists, with the key stuck in the other side, he couldnt get them off. No idea how or why he managed to get them on his wrist in the first place, but it was certainly funny watching him try to get them off! lol

Other than tuesday being my fullest day, today was alright, feeling quite alot better, but still not entirely right.

Today my friend Charlotte,  not my girlfriend, my other friend Charlotte, decided to buy lots of cheese and crackers it was funny, in a strange sort of way. Kichimi and I went into the Castle Park looking for ways to get in and out after the gates had been locked, and where were good places to hide, we found a suitable way in and out of the park via a disused gate that is, relitivley easy to climb over. We found a few hiding spots, none of them that great, but hey, who can complain?

I think I am feeling a bit better than last week, I still feel like something isn't quite right, but i'm sure i will get it sorted, or learn to live with it.

Today's entry "Help?" - Don't ask, i'm not really sure. I didn't know what subject to choose, and "Help?" was the first thing that came into my head, I feel like a need help sometimes. The last few weeks have been very strange for me, I have had a mix of some of the best things, and the worst things happen to me. Unfortunatley, the worst things are more frequent, and I don't like it.

I guess that in this world, nobody can have everything they want, but surely people are entitled to have some choice and freedom? I like to offer people choice and freedom, but often get used for it, walked over like a front door mat, i'm welcome, but i'm there just to be walked on and ignored, while everyone else is inside at the party.

You could I suppose be feeling pretty sensitive about something, maybe even talk to someone close to you about it, but to then find out that they went behind your back and made the situation worse, knowingly? That's gotta burst your bubble.

I realise that in my writing, i am neither telling you what is happening, or what i intend to to about it, only silly anologies to explain my feelings. If it was as simple as writing the problem on here, I would, but the problem is that I have too much respect to start naming names, and if I explained what was going on, it would be fairly obvious.

Sometimes I just feel like I am "here" and that existing is all that the world wants from me, it doesn't matter that I dont get involved in social groups, or how i might be feeling about something, or several things. But if i was gone... I bet there would be trouble.

You and me, that's what this is about, if your reading this and haven't stopped so far, you obviously have an interest, or care about my life. Maybe that is why writing on here helps so much, when there is nobody to talk to, i know that YOU will be there.

Jealousy is a horrible thing, not only for the people on the recieving end, but the ones who are jealous themselves. I personally am Jealous of alot of people. Jealous about what they have, who they know, what they do, when they do it - but you wont see me going out to make their life hell, you wont even find me competing, I just sit back and watch as everyone else does what I want, need to do so much.

I must seem very depressive, and almost attention seeking? I do not seek attention from many people, although, I do seek attention from one... am I the bad guy? Is it that i expect too much attention, or is it that they don't give me enough? I can't judge that fairly for myself, it would be biased, but then, everyone has an oppinion, so everyone would be biased.

If you get to know me, you find that I am one of these people who lives a fairly normal life, is fairly lucky and usually, quite positive. In all of my life, I had never really realised the true value of happiness, I happen to have most of the possesions i desire, I am lucky to be in the college i wanted to go to, doing the subjects i wanted to do. I am lucky to have enough money to pay for what I need and still have a little aside for an occasional treat - but love, love is something that I feel, and have felt for a long time. Maybe now, i feel a threat to that love. I can tell you, whatever it is I am feeling, nothing else really helps.

My sister would be a great person to talk to, she can be really supportive and kind when I need to talk, and somehow, I havent even mentioned how I am feeling. I'm not sure if I am denying the problem, hiding it from everyone, or just too scared to talk about it because I know what will be said.

Suicide, self harm, self pitty... all that stuff, it's not my style. Why would I waste a perfectly good life, or harm myself over something that could be a trivial factor of my time in this world. To deny the temptation, would be a lie. Sometimes it just feels like walking infront of a bus would make everyone happy, but i know that it wouldnt, plus, think of the mess.

Yeah, that's me, always making a joke out of something negative to try and make it positive, or at least take my mind off it. I have been writing for a while now, and if you have been reading from the top, you will have been reading for a while too. I'll give it a break now, I don't feel much better but I can't complain to you forever, there are probably things you need to do, people you need to see, money you need to earn - besides, i'm only another regular guy with a regular problem.

Today was my Anniversary to celebrate being with Charlotte for a year, we had a wonderful night out after college First we got out tickets to see "How to lose friends and alienate people" which was a really good film

After the film, we went to China Blue for dinner, the food and service was great! Nothing went wrong for the whole evening. We then headed back to my house, had to get the bus as neither of us could drive, and there was nobody about at that time of night to give us a lift home, and forget about a taxi, i can't afford that!

We got back home and fell asleep shortly after, it had been a long day with College, we were both very tired.

When we woke up, we watched the films Deathnote 1 and 2 at home, we had a great time and ended up playing Jenga! I had great fun!

I walked Charlotte to the bus stop to say goodbye later in the evening, missed her from the moment we parted

Was a great anniversary and we had a wonderful time

My day went much better today, probably the best day I have had over the last few weeks. I had a wonderful lunchtime at the lake in the castle park with Charlotte and then had a nice quiet few hours together after college by the castle with Charlotte. I was feeling much happier about today, but unfortunately, bad luck and problems struck again later in the evening. I am looking forward to Charlotte's and my 1 year anniversary on Friday the 10th, hoping to have a nice day, hoping everything can be sorted out. Hoping... that is what I do. This is a public blog and I realise that it's neither the place to talk about personal problem, and not the content that you want to read, but somehow writing about things makes me feel better, so i'll give it a try. I feel very insecure at the moment, I feel a huge black cloud following me around and I think its because I am missing two very important parts of my relationship, respect and time. This is a strange topic, time obviously we all wish we had more of it, but somehow I feel that i'm losing the small amount of time that I have. Respect, this is a difficult one to explain, but the best example i can suggest is this: Imagine being commited to a job, a job that you enjoy doing and WANT to finish, while every time you try to do it, you get nothing but negative feedback, your employer telling you that it's not good enough, or even the opposite, that it's too good and is making everyone else look bad. I don't know, maybe that was a bad example, but it's how I am feeling at the moment. I wish there was some magic button I could press to make everything right, but even after hours of playing around with logic, i cannot structure the code to do it. (For those of you who are totally confused, what i mean is, it doesnt matter how much i think about it, i cant place what is wrong or why). If anyone has any ideas or advise, please do contact me, my details are available on the contact page of this website. Thanks for reading, somehow, every time you read this i feel better inside - yeah, i know, it doesn't make any difference to the problem.

I have recently been working on a new instant messaging system, as an alternative to Windows Live Messenger, Yahoo Instant Messenger and other similar IM networks, this system is entirely web based. It uses an SQL database to temporarily store a conversation between 2 or more users. Users are authenticated before accessing the interface, and automatically, names and addresses are added ready for live chat. The system models MSN messenger, except does not have the ability to interact with the user desktop, and has no "status" of users. It is very basic and currently only works with text, but hey, before recent years, that's all IM was about :) It's not great and currently is not a publicly avialable service, but in testing between 2 people or in a group conversation, this is a good alternative that doesn't require anything except a working internet connection and a fiarly modern web browser. If you want to give it a try, there is a guest account open and set up, the username is "guest" and the password is "password" this allows as many users to sign in as guest, although, everyone will appear as guest because the user details are provided on logon.
http://talk.techtoad.co.uk - feel free to give it a try! If i happen to be using it when you try it, i'll say hello :)

While i'm here, i'll give you the latest: Things are going well at college and I am really enjoying all my classes, especially computing. Unfortunatley, things could be better in my personal life, which would make me feel happier in college, but hopefully things will pick up and everything will be "hunky dory" as my mum would say.

I had a job interview at the local PC World today, i sent my CV off before I started college in hope for some part time work, after experiencing the work load of college, i had second thoughts. I went to the interview all the same, and spoke about working only one day per week, maybe on a sunday, i don't really need the money that much, but the experience would be good. The interview went well and I am waiting for a call back to notify me how it went. Not really to worried, it will be a good experience if i get the job and a little bit more money will help me persue my hobbies and desires, but if not, look on the bright side, 9 hours more relaxation at the weekend!

I'm feeling quite upset at the moment, I had a really bad week last week and didn't feel like writing about it because it's not the kind of thing you want to read, but this week is going better, there are still a few things that are making me feel down, but as i mentioned earlier, hopefully things will pick up.

Guess that's it from me, hope everyone is enjoying school/college/work/life/holiday - whatever your doing!

Happy Birthday to my good friend Chris Beck! Hope you had a great day at college! Best wishes for the future from me, Techtoad

I took some pictures yesterday of 2 cars with funny numberplates, one ending "OMG" and the other ending "AWW" the picture can be found in the News Pictures gallery.

It's not been a great week for me, but today was an eventful day. I was just walking past the computing block (next to the astro turf) when i suddenly felt dizzy, i stopped and sat on the wall for a rest... the next thing i know, the medical staff are waking me and helping me get up.

Apparantly, due to a change in heart rate and loss of heart rate control from the brain, i fainted and fell off the wall, landing face down onto the concrete. Nobody was able to tell me for sure, but its estimated that i was out for a good half an hour. Don't know who you are, but whoever found me and got help, THANKYOU!

After the usual medical proceedure, I was helped back to the first aid room and my mum was contacted and asked to pick me up, i missed my last lesson of the day, Business Studies, despite saying that i was fine to attend, the college wanted me to go to a doctor to be checked.

The doctor explained the problem with the heart rate, which could have been caused by numerous things, but thankfully, there is no serious harm done and i should be fit for college tomorrow :)

I am feeling fine now, even though my week has been bad, things have been rocky between me and Charlotte but i think we have sorted it out :)
 

I was going to have my hair dyed blue today, but unfortunatley, we could not get hold of the dye. It should be in some time this week, but after having my hair cut, i think its now too short to dye, i am going to wait for it to grow back a bit before i have it dyed, otherwise i cant see much point! Will keep my news updated with whats happening.